Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Just Float

This is not a blog I tend to update on a regular basis. In fact, I don't recall the last time I posted. And I am simply too lazy to check at the moment. Lazy. Or indifferent. I am too lazy to debate. Too lazy. Or indifferent.

When you share the news of a loved one passing, there is no way to ease the blow. There is no weighing if we are to remove the band aid slowly, or to rip it away quickly.

There is a wound that needs healing either way.

My young friend passed away last month. When I say last month, the timing seems skewed. Was that last month? I suppose so. It is only the first week of October. My friend passed in September.

On September 19th 2011 my young friend, Jeffery Brian Wise II committed suicide.

I did not intend to reflect on this last few weeks today. In fact, I'm sort of forcing myself to do this for my big sister's sake. She was very close to little Jeff. We call him little Jeff, though he was over a foot taller than the both of us. A tall, handsome young man. I miss him. We all do. My big sister moved to South Korea recently to teach English. She could not make it to Jeffy's memorial service. I fear that she wept alone. Perhaps that is how he felt for a while. And I live right next door. I'd rather not do this now. But now is as good a time as any. And here it goes.

The memorial service was held at Haven of Rest in Gig Harbor, Wa.

I rode in the backseat of my car. My boyfriend, Blake drove and my kid sister sat up front. My dog, Hiro, sat above my head in the rear window where he watches the world go by. The sun was shining, which was odd. I recall the forecast boasting showers and cold weather. Now, my dog is very self centered but I think even he sensed the gloom in the car as we rode closer to our destination. His tail wagged less. He became less fidgety. He even sat still for a morose picture. Good boy.

Upon our arrival there were dozens of teenagers and fresh graduates standing outside of the building. It looked like the outside of a school dance.

With a lot more crying.

We parked in the back. There were a lot more cars than I anticipated. My kid sister Jenne was crying quietly between singing and fretting over her make up the whole ride there. She still looked beautiful. Even through the sadness. We stepped out of the car and held to each other for strength and moved toward the building. Jenne's old friends Mimi and Jessa seemed to appear from no where. At least to me, it seemed as if they appeared from no where. I was too busy watching the ground through watery eyes. I could not bring myself to make eye contact with anyone. I could not bring myself to step forward. I stood by while they embraced and cried. Quiet whimpers of "I'm sorry." and "I can't go in there."

The last open casket viewing I attended was for my grandfather. He lived a long life. Died in his 70's. It was painful, but natural. It was sad, but touching. Little Jeffy just graduated high school this year. This was something else. This was broken. Abrupt. I would say it was like a story without an ending, but Jeff barely had his first few chapters down. It was more like a sentence without punctuation. Not even an ellipsis.

I felt bitter and confused. His big sister, Christine, is like family of my own. We grew up together. They're close like family. Like cousins. No, like siblings. Watching her stand over his grave stone stirred something in me that I never wanted touched. Not this. Not now. When we finally gathered ourselves enough to step into the building, we saw more young crying teens. Teachers. Concerned parents. I almost didn't recognized my own parents. My tears fell freely. I felt alone among strangers. Even if my sister stood by my side and Blake held me close, I felt oddly alone. Maybe I wanted to be alone. This just felt like too much. We stepped forward to the room with his table of memories. The images blurred with more tears. There stood Christine. Beautiful, broken Christine. With the sad smile of a defeated guardian angel. She and Jenne embraced immediately. More "I'm sorry's" more sobbing. Even after she has lost her baby brother, she rocks us in her arms like her own. She tells us to be strong. Can you imagine? There is a song. The perfect song for this. In it the artist says,

"We're all born into this river without knowing how to swim and eventually we learn how to keep the water under our chins. Sometimes this river's so cold to be in, freezing my soul, solidifying my skin."

The strength she summons to move through these rapids is beyond me.

Since I had gotten the news that Jeff had passed away, I haven't quite been myself. I feel absent. Distracted. The night before this memorial I had gone to the fair. My dear friend Jesse along with his brother and another friend, Brandon, invited me along. I agreed in hopes to lift my spirits. It was an enjoyable night for the most part. Mostly, I enjoyed the distraction and just wanted to get out of my neighborhood. I smiled. I laughed. I got on rides. We joked. I ate awful food. I even threw it up and laughed at the results of my carelessness.

Still I felt empty.

For a few weeks before Jeff passed away, he and I had been texting fairly regularly. He always seemed so troubled. He asked for advice, for solace, for company. I offered what I could. I should have offered more. But there's no sense in thinking those things now. All I could think about was how much I wanted to help him. How close I was getting to showing him that life gets better. Many of his friends told him this. I wonder why he never believed it?

After the fair I asked if we could eat. I did, after all, vomit everything I had eaten that day after going on too many spinning rides. We stopped by Blake's work place, a bar & grill I had never been to. It was within 3 minutes of where we had all parked our cars to meet up for the fair. My old friend Samantha was there. Why tonight, of all nights? The world is a strange place. Timing is everything. We chatted. About loss. About the past. About the present. Mostly about loss. We drank. Why did I drink? I was to meet my kid sister at home. I couldn't bring up an answer. I felt numb. I drank. and I cried. I sobbed, really. We became drunk and belligerent together. Our emotions couldn't be contained, especially with whatever it was that I drank. I thought maybe I could get it all out then. The crying and freaking out, that is. That my young friend was gone forever. That I never got a chance to help him. That I could've done more. That I should've done more. That I could never do a thing to change it. I cried and cried and strangers stared and grew concerned. I was in a bathroom at a bar shouting and crying with an old friend I had never shared an intimate moment with in my life. Never in my life have I ever felt this way. Never did I think it would happen. Then again, I never thought I'd lose my young friend this way. The world is sad and strange.

I digress.

Jeffy's memory table was set up in a room with a partition wall separating us from his lifeless body. There was a line of people with stone cold faces going into the room with with his casket and a line of people hurrying out sniffling and shaking their heads. Why do we take turns to stare at what we've lost? That is all I could wonder. My mother asked me to bring these flowers from her garden. I don't even recall where I placed them. The table itself was enough to make me break down. A plate of his favorite foods, grown cold. A small memory box with pages filled out by those who saw him before me. Some of his old belongings. Trading cards, his zip up sweatshirt, an old Spongebob Squarepants wallet, pictures of he and his parents and two sisters. It was sad to me to see how the table of his belongings only showed just how truly young he was. A few steps more, past the partition wall were more pictures on large posters of our young lost friend and his body. Were we to expect closure from seeing his body? I wasn't sure. I was too busy crying.

My sister Jenne was very close to Jeffery. She was his unreachable, beautiful girl next door. He's always admired and loved her and watching her grieve for him was almost too much for me. My father held Jenne and urged her to see Jeffy one last time. My father on one side, Christine on the other, they practically carried Jenne to his casket to say "Goodbye." I stood off to the side, staring at the ground. I couldn't bring myself to look at him. Beside his casket, I hadn't noticed until much later, his parents and his other sister sat. Everyone surrounded Jenne as she cried for her dear friend. The boy who always found her beautiful. Who always found her amazing. Jeffy looked strange. Unreal. He didn't look like himself. But who else could it be? All I could think was that he'd be embarrassed to be laying there like that, with his hair fashioned in such a strange way, in a suit he didn't pick, make up on his young face... All I could think about was how he would've hated how he looked. And I felt angry with myself for considering this. I stood to the side and cried, feeling alone. I think Blake held me. I sobbed into his chest. At one point, their sister Gina touched my arm. I didn't recognize her at first through my tears. But her touch warmed me. I've never really spoken to her. She didn't grow up next door to us like Christine and little Jeff did. She even hugged me. It's strange to me that the loss of Jeffery's life is what it took for me to share such intimate moments with people I consider near strangers.

Everyone was crying. Those who weren't crying looked nothing but lost and distant. I can't remember much after that. We sat on a couch for a while. Quietly crying. Speaking of memories with Jeffy. Sometime after was when Christine led a small group of us to the spot where they would bury Jeffery. When we approached the gravesite, all I could do was stare at the dates and names on the stones all around me. Lives so long. Souls so old. Maybe he'd find that comforting. Blake held my hand on the way there. When I wasn't sobbing into his chest, Blake spent most of the viewing wandering the graveyard with Hiro. We trailed behind Christine and a handful of others towards Jeff's new home. When we arrived, all I could think was that Jeff would think this is a cool place to hang out if he were still here. He had a strange sense of humor, that kid. He would've really liked to just sit and smoke and brood right in this spot. I couldn't help but smirk at the thought. Even in his absence, he makes me chuckle.

There is not much more to say about what happened that day. The viewing was scheduled from 3pm-4pm but I think it ran an extra hour. It was hard to tell, it seemed indecent to watch the clock. I wished very much that my big sister, Ethelyn could be there with us to mourn, to remember, to embrace each other and cherish the simple feeling of having a sibling to hold. My heart still aches deeply when I think about the loss Christine and her family has suffered. I don't even dare to venture that option in my own mind and heart. I cannot lose a sibling so soon. I will not. Losing Jeffy, who is close like a sibling has hurt this much. I cannot venture that thought. I will not.

Just before we left the memorial, we went back inside to pay our respects and say goodbye to his family. It was the first time I had actually looked at his parents. I didn't know what to say. We took the time to write on a few pages to place in his memory box. I blanked. All I could think of were the times I spent with him as a small child. So eager and hopeful. So goofy and strange. I used to baby sit him. I watched he and my kid sister play together. I pulled them on a little red wagon he liked to topple over with the other neighbor kids. Birthday parties. Trips to the park down the street. His father scared me to look at. I'm not sure what I was afraid of. I just knew I felt fear and sadness. Nervousness. They urged us to look into the small wallet on the table of his belongings. Jenne recognized the wallet to be hers from long ago. Apparently she gave it to him. Inside the wallet was a small sticker with what looked like a picture of his sister on it. Within the wallet was also another trading card-it may have been Dragon Ball if I recall correctly- and alongside was a picture of my sister Jenne. A small picture of Jenne in 7th grade as a cheerleader. Behind that was a picture of myself, my big sister and Jenne. I cried and his mother held me. Jenne broke down again. We all had to leave. It was too much. The way home felt like a blur. I don't even remember what I did after. I just needed to go. Jenne took off with her friends to reminisce. I took off with Blake and Hiro. I felt so strange and numb. And yet, the sun kept shining.

Has it really been over 2 weeks? Life is strange. Strange and sad. It feels like he's still next door. For a few days I still expected to receive a text from him around 3 am, asking questions about dreams, about girls, about friendship and pain. It is strange to me that life carries on so quickly. The river keeps flowing. And we all just float along.

I miss you, little Jeff. Wish we could've spent more time together. I'll visit you at your new home sometime, my friend. I wrote you something. I'll leave it for you, maybe with a cigarette or a drink since I think you'd like that better than flowers.

there is change in the air
i'm not yet ready to fly
is the wind so different from the water?
the ocean and the sky
i am neither
has anyone ever drowned
while learning to fly?
the wind on my back
waves in my face
i feel neither
there is change in the air
must i follow?
i'm not yet ready to fly
and the water, it rises
am i to drown in this mess?
the water, it rises
and before me lays the horizon
when one can neither
swim nor fly
can one simply float?
i hope
in the wind and the water you do both
in the air, in the ocean you are both
in the sky and the sea
you just float


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Well darn my socks.

That'll teach me for thinking I could keep up with a blog about raising a puppy and all the little things. Lost sight of them trying to figure out the big things. Been working 40+ hrs each week, every week since I got rehired. I'm so tired. But that's not what I want to talk about. Hm. What has changed since my last post? I'm living with my silly parents. My big sister is home for the summer 'til she leaves for Korea. My kid sister has her own thing happening in Seattle. Boyfriend lives at his mom's. It feels like we have joint custody of little Hiro (who is a little over a year old now!). Time is weird. Change is strange. And necessary. What little thing can I talk about today?

Hm. So many I haven't talked about.
Gosh. All I can think about is my bed. My pillows. This down blanket. Sigh.

Haven't figured out a good app to use for this blog site either so I can't quite upload pictures directly from my phone yet. I'm technologically challenged at times. Hm. Gotta shower. Time for work. I'll work on this later...

Or make
Another mundane update
In another year.

Oh bother.


Wednesday, August 18, 2010

My boy, Hiro :)

Holy moly, things have been a whirlwind. I didn't put a whole lot of effort into making new blogs recently since I had so much time to wait for puppy to come...

but low and behold, the day snuck up on me! My pup is sleeping on my pillow next to me as I type this. His name is Hiro. And he is an amazing little friend so far :) this is my second night with him here, and boy do I have many little stories already. Unfortunately, I am not sure if I can recall all of them in the detail I would have preferred for this blog, he's kept me quite busy! I am only able to be on my laptop right now cause he managed to make a throne out of my pillow and dozed off. The same one Blake always snatches when he gets a chance... My boys just love to take my pillow I guess haha. Anywho...I'll do my very best to recap what went on yesterday and today starting with:

The Ride Home!
The family we got him from lives out in Port Orchard so it takes us about 30-35 minutes to get there with moderate traffic. The whole time I was so excited and nervous. I literally got an hour of sleep from the night before, I was up all night cleaning and fussing about whether or not he'd like it here, if he'd be a royal terror and make me regret everything, if he would cry all night in his kennel, what would I name him, what would he want to do...all the things a fussy new "mommy" worries about. hahah

Anyway, the ride went SO incredibly smoothly, it blew my mind. Luckily, Blake agreed to drive since he was still awake enough to. At first I was struggling to hold him in place, he (to my knowledge) had never been in a car or away from home so everything was so bright and new. He was sniffing and eager, ALWAYS so eager to give kisses. He scratched up my chest and collarbone real good climbing to my face to kiss my chin. :) After a while of fussing and unsettled wandering, Blake suggested putting on the Amelie soundtrack so it would sound a little more soothing than the hip hop we were currently playing hahah. I couldn't find the cd so we settled for the classical station instead. With the AC blowing and the strings and pianos playing softly, little Hiro calmed down and fell asleep. He was so tired from playing at his old home earlier he was asleep almost the whole way home.

.................eeep. He just woke up. And here I was ready to share so many more pictures and stories. For now I'll have to settle with the quickly interrupted style of blogging. Hiro has wandered over to cuddle and kiss and play hahah <3

more soon!

If Hiro allows it...;)

Thursday, July 29, 2010

playing catch up

boy it's been a long week. Working lots, and spending some time with family. I'll try my best to recap what went on. Each day I meant to update on this thing, but I was always too tired or just didn't feel like it. haha. Oh well. Here it goes:

My kid sister, Jenne, came to visit over the weekend to celebrate my dad's 57th birthday. I spent the 24th, which is my dad's actual birth date, enjoying the company of my sisters. We went to the mall, cruised around, ran some errands which lead us to Costco to pick up our contact lenses. While doing so, my older sister, Ethelyn, made a hypnotizing discovery.

Apparently, Costco is THE place to be to enjoy Matthew Bellamy and Muse on at least 12 screens in HD. She was quite pleased. Mesmerized, even.

After enjoying the sun and finishing our errands we rented an awful movie, which I won't even dignify with an explanation. And Jenne made us a delicious meal. :)

Pasta dinners and funny/terrible/juicy movies are a great way to spend time with my goofy sisters.

The following day we went to lunch at Bainbridge Island Thai, just me, my two sisters and mom and dad. Shortly after we enjoyed a sunny afternoon at Fay Bainbridge park, where dad wanted to "sleep by the water"

We thought he meant by the beach, but it was too hot and a little crowded. But dad's a man of simple pleasures. He made it work.

:) Family. What a nice time.

More later,
currently I am enjoying a calm evening in loafing around with Blake. :)

life is good.


Saturday, July 24, 2010

explosions in the sky

Not referring to the band, but they are good as well. :)

tonight Blake and I spent the evening watching comedy shows, various sports knockouts and prison/gangland stories on the television at his grandmother's house. We were pet sitting for her while she is on vacation, perhaps to a Basque festival if I remember correctly.

I love walking around her house and seeing all the Basque pictures, books and cultural items on the walls and sitting around. It makes me smile and feel quite at home for some reason. I'm not Basque, of course. I just enjoy the feeling of home...in someone else's home...? Does that make sense? In either case...It was nice.

After a quiet evening in, we drove back from Bremerton around 10:00 pm and happened upon the fireworks show that was on display in downtown Silverdale. Blake took the exit just before our usual exit to get home, just so I could see the fireworks show while we drove. It was so beautiful. He held my hand while we drove and I got to watch the finale while we were sitting at a red light right next to the Whaling Days fireworks area.

Watching fireworks with my Blake is by far one of my favorite little things I've experienced in life so far.

We don't get the opportunity often, but when we do it leaves me feeling floaty and smiling...like this :}

He is currently getting ready to leave for work, so I suppose I will kiss him goodnight and continue to occupy myself with updating my blog after he is off.


Intro Part II: my recent explorations

A little update regarding my day to day. As of late, the only things occupying my time have involved the television set, a various video game system and the gym. Said activities have also often involved

the boyfriend:


and the roommate:


*I do not possess a recent photograph of said roommate, but I felt this little fella' bore a striking resemblance.

What I have discovered thus far living with these charming young men:

1. food does not stand a chance.

After having lived with Blake for nearly a year now, I still haven't established a consistent grocery shopping habit. When I lived with my family a gallon of milk could last my mother, father, grandfather, myself and my two sisters for at least a week. A gallon of milk here lasts for what feels like 2 hours. Perhaps that's a slight exaggeration, but gosh my boyfriend sure loves his milk. I also tend to prolong the shelf life of foods past what these guys would ever deem appropriate, and I am finding that it is not often possible to do so. They find my stashes and tease me for how long the food has been sitting there. D: More on this soon. I will never tire of the subject of food. And learning to grocery shop for big white men having grown up with small Asian women is proving to be quite the endeavor.

2. The floor is just a giant table.

Apparently it is also a giant bed. I have taken to leaving pillows and various blankets in the living room in case they do fall asleep on the floor. Sometimes it seems they prefer it to their own beds. Regardless, it is a flat surface of which any and all objects belong on it. Shoes, laundry, books, bottles, plates and whatever else may land there. I have just taken to tidying according to my comfort level and leaving whatever else they use often in its place.

3. playing Fallout never gets old.

The replay value on the game is just incredible. Really.

I will ponder further on my various discoveries. Living with boys after basically being raised solely by my very feminine and over protective mother and sharing rooms with 2 girly sisters is quite strange but enjoyable in its own rites.

And soon I will be adding another handsome fella to my life...Shiba pup, Jasper! (the family I am buying him from calls him Jasper, but I will likely be renaming him...for now I'll refer to him by that name in this blog)... And he's going to be such a handful! I can't wait :) more on this soon.


Friday, July 23, 2010

Intro: Part I - a feeble attempt at tackling my bloglife

Today I am making an attempt to record my thoughts via blog. It's been quite some time since I've done this, but since my dear Blake is sleeping, I figured I could take this opportunity to try. The silly part is, I created this blog weeks and weeks ago, and never made a single post. Soon, that will all change. I know, I know, I said that last time.

But this time will be different. When I first started this blog, I had no real idea what I would talk about. I didn't feel it would be all that interesting to record my daily musings...I spend most of my time working in a casino, finding my next meal, sleeping and/or spending time with my boyfriend. Our entertainment usually falls within the categories of:

Video games
Movies and/or Television series

and...well, really that's it. I feel quite bland making it so cut and dry like that, but I am just being honest! So why will it be different this time around? What could I possibly have so much to talk about that I haven't already basically laid out for you in the past few paragraphs?

Well, I am about to be blessed with a little bundle of love, joy and frustration.

No, no, I am not pregnant. Heavens no.

I am buying a puppy.